the man plan

Now that I am cimice-free in Milan, I have had the opportunity to spend my time engaging in activities other than hauling my worldly possession about in garbage bags and fighting the foes of fashion. Naturally, most of this newfound time has been spent eating. Allow me to clarify that the act of cenare (to eat dinner) for example ecompasses more than just stuffing food into my awaiting mouth with fork or hand. It includes walking (doesn’t everything in Europe?) to the market, oftentimes multiple stores for various items, selecting the freshest produce, meat, and unrefrigerated eggs, and then cucinare (cooking). The mangiare (eating) and subsequent napping comes hours later in this process. Forgive my Italian usage, I am using my blogging as a productive means for studiare (studying) for my intensive Italian class final on Friday. As I was saying, I rediscovered what teens commonly refer to as “having a life”, something I have not experienced for quite some time, thank you I-Core semester and bedbugs! One of my latest entertainments has been working on self-improvement. No, I am not practicing yoga or doing charity work, but rather I have read and studied Whitney Casey’s The Man Plan: Drive Men Wild—Not Away. In the best interest of my darling readers I will share some of my new insights from said novel. Lucky you, I’ve already sifted through the nonsense that comes with any self-help book and separated the gems of wisdom from the cubic zirconium. To my male readers: this is lesson number one, CZ is a dirty word to women and something that should be avoided. A small diamond is always better than a fake. And if you can’t afford a diamond, there are many other beautiful gemstones out there that do not involve synthetic plastic blends and are not sold at Claire’s. To “all the single ladies” (cue Beyonce) and those of you who are taken and find reading my blog more entertaining than your significant other (who can blame you?) here is what I have learned from my reading:

1. I am not difficult, I am definite. The term high maintenance, generally associated with negative, undesirable connotations, has often been used to describe me; however, after reading The Man Plan I have come to the conclusion that using the term high maintenance is like using the term brunette to describe a dirty blonde, it’s simply incorrect and a mistake made often by less discerning individuals (cough cough, men). Please note the following comparisons for a better understanding of the difference between difficult and definite, high maintenance and simply knowing what you want.

• Busybody (in everyone’s beeswax) vs. Social Butterfly, Gregarious (involved)
• Bitchy (get it for me) vs. Assertive (yes, that is what I want)
• Boisterous (noisy) vs. Exuberant (lively)
• Expensive (draining) vs. Luxurious (deserving)
• Demanding (whiny, pushy) vs. Ambitious (pushes herself and everyone else around her)
• Conceited (self-important) vs. Cultured (she’s got style)
• Arrogant (haughty, superior) vs. Confident (secure, proud)

Men always say they want a woman who knows what she wants and how to get it, a woman who takes good care of herself and dresses well, a woman who is confident. Well, wake up and smell the coffee, boys! What you are asking for is a definite woman, so don’t complain when you get what you want!

2. I am not a gold digger, I am a goal digger. The Man Plan recognizes that despite the overpopulation of “metal detectors”, “finance finders”, and “sugar babies”, some women are attracted to wealthy men not because they are rich, but because of the qualities that made them rich; they are leaders, entrepreneurs, risk-takers, confident, and optimistic. Ladies, it’s ok to like money and the men that have it, but you must enjoy the man as well as the money. Money can’t buy you love, but it sure as hell can buy him an incredible divorce attorney if you’re only sticking around to dig through his wallet…and Swiss bank accounts, stock portfolio, and real estate assets. Nobody likes a gold digger, but everyone loves a relationship where you can teach each other things, so while you’re helping your rich man pick out a tie, learn a thing or two about what makes him so financially successful and you will end up that way, too.

3. I don’t play games, I learn the games they play. Any guy will tell you he doesn’t want a girls who plays games with him, but what he might not be so upfront about is how important it is that you learn about his games, aka sports. Now ladies, I admit to being that girl who always sat out in gym class because any time there was a ball involved, I got hit with it and yes, I did join sports teams just for the cute uniforms, but The Man Plan does not ask you to learn the name of every player on his favorite team or all of the sports lingo (in fact, it frowns upon being a know-it-all because guys like to teach you about sports since it makes them fell tough. Evidence: the all too familiar mini-golf lesson with him standing behind you showing you how to swing with his arms wrapped around yours), just enough to bond over something he’s passionate about besides you. Don’t get in a panic about the difference between a linebacker and being in the back of the line when the stores open for Black Friday shopping, just remember these few simple rules I learned.

• Let men have their cave time. If you’re not interested in the game, he’s probably not interested in having you there pouting, so plan to do something else while the game is on.
• If he’s hungry, bring him something to eat. This does not mean you are a slave, but consider the situation reversed. If you’re in the middle of the Jersey Shore Season Finale and are dying for a Coke Zero, wouldn’t it be nice if he got it for you?
• Allow for naps. If he falls asleep while watching sports, this is not an invitation to change the channel. He will wake up and go right back to the game. A quick nap is part of the game-watching activity.
• Never comment on the quarterback’s cute behind. Do you want him commenting on the cheerleader’s cute “L.A. face and Oakland booty”?

See, the boys spend years learning about sports and it only took us girls a minute to learn the rules--women are fast-learners, after all. Besides, if you watch the game with him, maybe he will surprise you with that cute jersey of his favorite team.

I learned a lot from reading The Man Plan and I hope I was able to help you learn a few key pointers as well. You see, I am a big proponent of education, especially when I am the teacher, the topic is men, and class is not at 9am. Stay tuned for more life lessons coming soon from Milan!

Ciao Ciao!
Your girl with a plan