la metropolitana

Ah, the metro system, not to be confused with the metric system, a mistake sometimes made by those of us with lighter-colored hair. While both are TIM and Euro-chic, la metropolitana is the topic of today's story. Public transportation is abundant in Milano, the metro being a favorite of the Milanese. Thus far during my stay in the fair city, I have learned 1. how to get to and from my most frequented destinations (school and shopping obvi); please do not underestimate the enormity of this task as it requires recognizing that you must be on different sides of the track to go in different directions and that there are multiple colors of lines going all over the city 2. how to squish like a sardine into the train when to the untrained eye it appears that there is not enough space for a small shopping bag (think the size of the Victoria's Secret pink-striped bag if you just go in to claim your pair of free panties) and 3. how to subway surf aka stand sideways with your legs shoulder-width apart to ride without holding onto the metal support poles (this is extremely important when there are short boob-height men standing close to said support poles). Despite considering myself quite the savvy metro passenger, none of my new knowledge could possibly prepare me for the email I received the other day from my program's office. It read as follows:

"Dear Students,


We have received reports from two female students about being separately accosted by the same man on the metro.

The man in question is described as being around 5’8” tall, solidly-built, middle-aged, balding and with a darker complexion, but lighter facial hair.

He has accosted two students on the RED metro line between CADORNA and P.TA VENEZIA stops.

The man exposes himself, presses himself against a female in the crowded train and masturbates.



An official report of this, including a detailed description of the man in question, has been made to police.

Our hope is that the police will step up surveillance of this train line/station(s) and catch the man before this happens again to anyone else.



While commuting, if someone begins to press against you in a way that you find inappropriate and/or disconcerting, please try to move away from that person.

If he or she follows you or if you are unable to move away immediately, get off the train at the next stop and move to another car or, if still followed, immediately seek police assistance.

If getting to the next stop will take too much time and you want the behavior to stop sooner, shout loudly “Please stop touching me!” at the person and “Help!” to others in the train car.

This sort of behavior is highly inappropriate in Italy, and other individuals on the train should come to your assistance if you draw attention to what is happening and ask for help.

The Italian translations for these phrases are:

“Please stop touching me!” = Smettila di toccarmi!

“Help!” = Aiuto!


Regardless of how you get away from a person who might attempt to do this, please report any and all such incidents to IES Abroad staff.

Indecent exposure is illegal in Italy and should be reported to the police as soon as possible.

Many thanks for your attention. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns."



So yes, the story goes that a man repeatedly bumped into/pressed himself against a female student in program and proceeded to whip out the junk and masturbate. It was discovered by said female in the form of an ejaculation stain on her jacket. Thankfully, upon receiving this email I learned that this type of behavior is in fact frowned upon in the metro and indecent exposure is illegal in Italy, although I did witness a man urinating in the street on the way to dinner the other night. TIM. I suspect that men, like their close canine relatives,are permitted to engage in such animalistic behaviors here in Milano (please refer to earlier entries about extreme sidewalk dog poop dilemma). Also thankfully, I was not either of the two victims of this revulsion, which is quite shocking to me based on the luck I've had with freak incidents in this city. Thus far the perpetrator has not been caught, but I am prepared in case I am accosted by the perv. My plan: use my YMCA self-defense class training and grab his balls like a ziplock baggie of grapes and pull until they rip off. My mother's plan for me: look him up and down, say, "that's it? not exactly something to be proud of" and watch his tow-tow (polite term used by my 5-year old cousin for penis) shrivel up. Please note that while my mimi was explaining this plan to me she used the explanatory visual of an erect index finger curl up into the finger version of an extremely small, flaccid tow-tow while she made little meep meep noises. Thank you, mother, for your always effective visual simulations and useful advice.

Oh Milano! Bedbugs out, metro masturbater in. What other freak inhabitants are you hiding in this city?

xoxo's,
your metro savvy sam